You know what they say about trusses...

...the more the merrier?  This stands as proof that M.C. Escher was a brilliant artist, but not the best architect.

Found at a flea market in Savannah, GA.
(photo taken by me, March 2010)

From the Realtor Listings

Yeah, I haven't been lazy, but when you don't get off of work until sunset, and on your days off you are renovating a house, you don't exactly have the best window of opportunity to go out and photograph bad houses.  Therefore, I am letting the Realtors do it for me.  This first one is a minor infraction, but still something that happens far far too often to old houses. 

Now, I know that as one out-grows a house, that attic can seem like a brilliant place to expand into.  However, historic preservation standards suggest any additional dormers be placed at the rear of the house - for this reason.  It always ends up looking like a mutt between a charming brick cottage and a vinyl siding suburban skank.  *concentrating on the photo* You know how people perpetually look surprised after a botched face/eye lift?

This next one tickles me so, though it comes (I'm sure) at the great torment of other people *schadenfreude*.  This, I must say, is the hackedest house in all of Savannah, GA - nay - the southeast.  This is the "Fortress House" in Savannah's historic Gordonston neighborhood. 

 

Talk about a listing agent who lost a bet!  Here's the back story:   Back in '07, the resident here, a Pentecostal preacher with 19 children wanted to turn this house from a 3-bedroom, 1-bath, to a 7-bedroom, 6 bath.  The only problem, the plans he submitted to obtain his permits are apparently not the plans he is using to make this renovation.  

 

 *Allegedly* at some point, what was to be an iron fence turned into a massive masonry wall which was meant to act as a structural support for a second story to also be supported from the main house my massive masonry piers cut right through the eaves of the original 1940s cottage.  When the residents of Gordonston realized they were dealing with DEFCON 5 craziness, they put the kibosh on construction.  What ensued was years of "is this a fence or isn't it, and what is your definition of 'fence'?"  All the while, the "fence/fortress wall" sits about a foot into the public right-of-way as it is measured from the middle of the street.  Needless to say, a lot of rain has come through those holes in the eaves.  

I have said it many many many times...if your house has gotten too small for you, and you are confident enough to admit you have no logic or sense of style, please find another house and leave the cute 1940s cottages to those who appreciate them.  By the way, fortress house is available for just under $75,000, and the listing site reeks of "I really could care less about trying to sell this, and I don't want to insult anyone's intelligence by trying to make this thing sound good."  Kudos to the Realtor for that.

Call of the Wild

(crouching behind the brush and whispering-preferably with an Australian accent)

"shhhh!  you must be silent now as you observe.  we are witnessing quite a treat here - a herd of grazing McMansions in a field.  an interesting group of specimens here.  these are very well fed*.  notice how their roofs protrude to incredible heights?  it is a symbol of power among these creatures.  see the extremely large garage on that styrofoam-stucco one?  that too is meant to project implications of status and social hierarchy to the others in the field - the true symbol of dominance.  

they enjoy the land around them, preferring to graze in land that has never before been developed.  this gives them a vast and un-spoiled setting in which to thrive.  unfortunately, many seem to slip into comas at which time they are tagged by agents with signs that read "foreclosure" as to alert everyone of their toxicity.  eventually, these beasts will use up all resources around them and die- their decomposing bodies littering the field until the next herd clears away the carcasses and moves in.  their normal life expectancy is only about thirty years before their bodies will naturally begin to break down.

*they feed on egos

(taken in Greenwood, Miss. by me - December, 2009)

Epic, in a Quaint Sort of Manner. . .

This is not a renovation hack job- it is an original construction hack job, which actually makes it worse.  It is a hack job that results from an original plan built from the ground up.  There were many moments when someone - anyone - could have looked at the plans and said "wtf?".  Only an epic commentary can fully explain the epic hackiness of this ole southern style diddy. . .

[fade in from black]

[it is the year 2059.  we are in the tech lab of the international home building council]

[pan to TECHNICIAN, sitting at controls with CAPTAIN nearby.]

TECHNICIAN:  Captain!  We have a problem with the InstaHome 9000!

CAPTAIN:  What in hell, man?!

TECHNICIAN:  I don't know, sir!  I must have set incorrect parameters in the symmetry tabulation field!

CAPTAIN:  Sweet Mary, look at this mess!  There is no symmetry at all!  How can you mess up just evenly placing openings on a large rectangle?!

TECHNICIAN:  *sobbing* I don't know!  It is just my first day!

CAPTAIN:  Well it will be your last!  Out of here now!

[TECHNICIAN exits]

CAPTAIN:  *looking at image on monitor - pensively to himself while slowly shaking head*  My God...even the asymmetry is asymmetrical.  How could this happen?  Never again...never again.

[fade out to black]

(photographed in Greenwood, Miss by me December, 2009.)

Blowout!

Submitted for your approval, a cute 'lil wood-framed 1940s cottage.  Aren't those 6-over-6 double windows so cute?!  What a charming little cottage in a very pleasing color scheme on a quiet and shaded street!  Let's move a little to the right. . .

John Lovitz!  What is going on back there?  Let's rush to the alley to find out!

. . .

Um... Has sort of a Branch Davidian Ranch thing going on.  I am sorry, I can't even think of something snarky to say other than, "what the hell, just look at the picture!"

Incidentally, I read in the news today that Architects are one of the top-ten professionals suffering the most in this recession.  Maybe that is because people think everything can be "do it yourself".  Is that sheet rock on the outside?  Oy gevalt. 

(Taken in Greenwood, Miss. by me in December, 2009.)

The Mothership Has Landed!

Nothing hacked here, right?  In fact, it is pretty impressive that such a new (circa 2000) piece of bold and modern architecture would be in a small Mississippi delta town, right?  The bold lines, the stark facade - all very "high-brow architectur-y", right?  So what does make this a total hack job?

. . .

Yep, it sits at the focal point of a quiet, tree-lined cul-de-sac of cute, small, 1960s brick ranch homes.  Anyone remember that eerie Juan Garcia Esquivel-sounding music from "Mars Attacks"?

Ducks in a Row

"Do I want one with a bay window, or a large window with a fan light?"

Luckily for you, three of each are available.  The added bonus is the un-inspired yard completely devoid of any walkways leading to the front doors of these houses (note - they are each free standing - not attached). 

What makes this particularly hacky is the back story here: Years back, a road was constructed in a sprawling soybean field to alleviate traffic congestion on a neighboring busy thoroughfare.  Land developers (holding profit over logic) did as expected and began building up crap all along this road in hopes of (I suppose) one day creating as much traffic congestion as the road it was constructed to aid. 

This lovely spread here was one of those first projects.  Luckily, it stops at six.  which is four too many when you only have two "unique" house plans.

"Hey, Bob. Which house is yours?"

"Its the one with the uselessly-steep roof"

"Um...Which one specifically?"

"Well, it is the one with the enormous garage in place of where a front door would traditionally be."

"Um...Geez, Bob.  Is it the one on the right or on the left?"

"Hmm...like if you are looking at it or away from it?"

"Bob, you suck so much."

*click*

(both featured sets are located in Greenwood, Miss - Photographed by me in December, 2009)