Call of the Wild

(crouching behind the brush and whispering-preferably with an Australian accent)

"shhhh!  you must be silent now as you observe.  we are witnessing quite a treat here - a herd of grazing McMansions in a field.  an interesting group of specimens here.  these are very well fed*.  notice how their roofs protrude to incredible heights?  it is a symbol of power among these creatures.  see the extremely large garage on that styrofoam-stucco one?  that too is meant to project implications of status and social hierarchy to the others in the field - the true symbol of dominance.  

they enjoy the land around them, preferring to graze in land that has never before been developed.  this gives them a vast and un-spoiled setting in which to thrive.  unfortunately, many seem to slip into comas at which time they are tagged by agents with signs that read "foreclosure" as to alert everyone of their toxicity.  eventually, these beasts will use up all resources around them and die- their decomposing bodies littering the field until the next herd clears away the carcasses and moves in.  their normal life expectancy is only about thirty years before their bodies will naturally begin to break down.

*they feed on egos

(taken in Greenwood, Miss. by me - December, 2009)

Epic, in a Quaint Sort of Manner. . .

This is not a renovation hack job- it is an original construction hack job, which actually makes it worse.  It is a hack job that results from an original plan built from the ground up.  There were many moments when someone - anyone - could have looked at the plans and said "wtf?".  Only an epic commentary can fully explain the epic hackiness of this ole southern style diddy. . .

[fade in from black]

[it is the year 2059.  we are in the tech lab of the international home building council]

[pan to TECHNICIAN, sitting at controls with CAPTAIN nearby.]

TECHNICIAN:  Captain!  We have a problem with the InstaHome 9000!

CAPTAIN:  What in hell, man?!

TECHNICIAN:  I don't know, sir!  I must have set incorrect parameters in the symmetry tabulation field!

CAPTAIN:  Sweet Mary, look at this mess!  There is no symmetry at all!  How can you mess up just evenly placing openings on a large rectangle?!

TECHNICIAN:  *sobbing* I don't know!  It is just my first day!

CAPTAIN:  Well it will be your last!  Out of here now!

[TECHNICIAN exits]

CAPTAIN:  *looking at image on monitor - pensively to himself while slowly shaking head*  My God...even the asymmetry is asymmetrical.  How could this happen?  Never again...never again.

[fade out to black]

(photographed in Greenwood, Miss by me December, 2009.)

Blowout!

Submitted for your approval, a cute 'lil wood-framed 1940s cottage.  Aren't those 6-over-6 double windows so cute?!  What a charming little cottage in a very pleasing color scheme on a quiet and shaded street!  Let's move a little to the right. . .

John Lovitz!  What is going on back there?  Let's rush to the alley to find out!

. . .

Um... Has sort of a Branch Davidian Ranch thing going on.  I am sorry, I can't even think of something snarky to say other than, "what the hell, just look at the picture!"

Incidentally, I read in the news today that Architects are one of the top-ten professionals suffering the most in this recession.  Maybe that is because people think everything can be "do it yourself".  Is that sheet rock on the outside?  Oy gevalt. 

(Taken in Greenwood, Miss. by me in December, 2009.)

The Mothership Has Landed!

Nothing hacked here, right?  In fact, it is pretty impressive that such a new (circa 2000) piece of bold and modern architecture would be in a small Mississippi delta town, right?  The bold lines, the stark facade - all very "high-brow architectur-y", right?  So what does make this a total hack job?

. . .

Yep, it sits at the focal point of a quiet, tree-lined cul-de-sac of cute, small, 1960s brick ranch homes.  Anyone remember that eerie Juan Garcia Esquivel-sounding music from "Mars Attacks"?

Ducks in a Row

"Do I want one with a bay window, or a large window with a fan light?"

Luckily for you, three of each are available.  The added bonus is the un-inspired yard completely devoid of any walkways leading to the front doors of these houses (note - they are each free standing - not attached). 

What makes this particularly hacky is the back story here: Years back, a road was constructed in a sprawling soybean field to alleviate traffic congestion on a neighboring busy thoroughfare.  Land developers (holding profit over logic) did as expected and began building up crap all along this road in hopes of (I suppose) one day creating as much traffic congestion as the road it was constructed to aid. 

This lovely spread here was one of those first projects.  Luckily, it stops at six.  which is four too many when you only have two "unique" house plans.

"Hey, Bob. Which house is yours?"

"Its the one with the uselessly-steep roof"

"Um...Which one specifically?"

"Well, it is the one with the enormous garage in place of where a front door would traditionally be."

"Um...Geez, Bob.  Is it the one on the right or on the left?"

"Hmm...like if you are looking at it or away from it?"

"Bob, you suck so much."

*click*

(both featured sets are located in Greenwood, Miss - Photographed by me in December, 2009)

In the Mississippi Delta

I am visiting my family for Christmas in Greenwood, Mississippi and let me tell you, there are some HACKY things happening here!  Photos to come this week.  You will not believe some of these treats I have in store for you!

First Post

Home renovation, like many other endeavors, is something that people often fail at.  The only problem is that if you fail at renovation, your failure is out there for all the world to see.  It would almost seem endearing if the perpetrator of these terrible hack jobs left a sign beside their work that simply said "SORRY".  Since there is no sign such as that, I can only imagine that there is pride in that job.
In an effort to prevent people from being fooled into thinking that the renovation they are seeing is OK, I am starting this blog as sort of a "what-not-to-do-when-working-on-a-house" tutorial.  If anyone sees their house on this blog, don't hate me - hate your contractor.  All I do is observe.  Here is a taste of the type of thing you will see here (with many more to come once I can remember to bring my camera home from work).

{standing back and looking on with pride while dusting off hands}  "Alright, your new door is up.  Home Depot didn't have any that matched the size of the original opening, so I tweaked it a bit."

This is a real winner and one of my pet-peeves - new openings that don't exactly fit the original openings.  I have seen this problematic thing handled with much more finesse than this, but then again nothing says "Screw You" to the local neighborhood association quite like not even trying.

(a converted historic commercial building in midtown Savannah, GA. - photographed by me in 2007)